Down pit Bottom =(

Recently, I have been really down on my luck and it really hit my boiling point when I open my medical report to find my cancer marker to be higher than the normal range.

It suddenly reminds me of the time when i see my uni friend, Kaiyan, at his funeral who had a fierce fight with the cancer demon for a year plus before he finally lost the battle. I really cried badly when I listen to his Aunt on how he spent his last few days on earth crying and suddenly weak from all the fight he had been putting up with for the past year. He had always been so brave when it comes to his fight with the illness and he wasnt afriad to tell the world as you see his countdown with his chemotheraphy sessions. I really thank him for always dropping words of encouragement online even when he was ill.

suddenly i realiase i have many things i have yet done. I wan to set up a home with woodblock, see my little bosses grow up to be fine and happy, spend quality time with my family, travel round the world and dedicate time to art which i indulge the most.

it didnt really helped much when my phone got spoilt in the same week, my home phone plus internet connection was also down and dead and most importantly woodblock just wasnt here to tell me it's going to be alright.

For now, the only assurance i can get from the doctor and even my brother's online "research" that the indicator i get is not too high which is already the luckiest thing i encountered for the whole week. Therefore, for now the chances of a affirmative cancer is pretty low but the doc says i better get a detail check up just in case =( sigh

sometimes i get pretty paranoid whenever it comes to health and death is definitely something i fear more than anything else. I have been to too many funerals in recent times and it was a nightmare when i dreamt about my own funeral last night after seeing the report. i couldnt sleep a wink after waking up from the nightmare. I guess i value life so much more ever since the death encounter last yr with the car accident and a free fall from the high elements in jc. so many close brushes with death and makes me wonder so much more on what i really wan to do in my life to make it truly meaningful and satisfying.

For now, I have been referred to see a specialist next wed to check out my pancreas. I am also looking forward to the return of woodblock who has disappear from my life for 32 days. Finally he will be back next monday!

i guess nothing can get worst then it could get now. well at least hopefully even next wed when i see the specialist.